This article pretty much sums up what I’ve been dealing with:
I think that…no one else struggles. I often think that 99% of my issues, imperfections, “undesirable” personality traits, lack of success (so judged by me), lack of stable relationship (more on that coming up….let’s hope it’s more positive than I’m feeling about it now), is because of my depression, my anxiety, and my ADD (attention deficit disorder).
The ADD causes extreme embarrassment on my part. I always thought I was careless, lazy, stupid…I was always getting in trouble for losing things, forgetting things…when, it’s a textbook diagnosis… Last night I was heating up some soup for supper.
Fast forward 45 minutes later and the spare bedroom bed has been changed, the Christmas lights have been hung, another load of laundry was done, and…the soup remained in the microwave. Long gone cold. I don’t mind these kinds of things…but the times where I’m doing more than one task at a time (which I need to “fix”) and end up booking the wrong hotel (Best Western instead of The Westin – big difference), where I drop all my papers, where I leave my cell phone in the rental car, where I forget to bring important items to work (LIKE MY LAPTOP!!)….those are the moments that I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of. But guess what. The more that I accept who I am, the less stressed that I will be, and the less likely the little forgetful things will happen.
And my anxiety/ depression – there are THREE people in my life going through cancer treatment at the moment. One of whom will pass away shortly, one is…doing pretty good but has a long recovery.. and one is probably doing ok…will have an extremely different life going forward.
That’s not counting that my boyfriend and I are having the “are we moving forward or are we ending things” conversations, I’m travelling at least one week per month, I’m struggling to study for an exam (that I failed the first time)…well..is there someone without anxiety and depression that could handle all of this? No.
Perhaps their coping mechanisms would be different….but…no one could handle this and be like, wow, everything is great, please come over for tea!!!
So I have to forget what everyone’s else’s life is like – because I’m not living in. I have to ACCEPT who I am. All of me. ALL OF ME. This tasks seems impossible. I don’t even know where to begin (I bought a workbook recommended to me by my psychologist). But I’ll try.
And I’ll remember that…no one else is me…living my life… Whatever it may appear on the outside….I’ll do me…and you do you..
And stay tuned how this self acceptance crap…i mean, urrgghh stuff works itself out.